Personal Post: TW/ Suicide & Mental Health
in 2019 i was set to perform a range of shows around the world to promote my recent music releases. at the time we were booking shows, i noticed that i was starting to feel quite different and i was making odd decisions and feeling extremely anxious. i cancelled some of the shows before they were announced, the announced shows in europe were postponed as i got off the airplane and i performed only two shows in front of the public in england.
i made public statements explaining that things had been very difficult and that i was dealing with mental health complications. the truth is that in the year previous to me making these musical commitments i had been told by my then wife of 8 years that she was gay. my mind exploded and all of my worst fears and anxieties surged into my brain and soul. a lot of them linked to my son and my own upbringing. i kept all of these struggles quiet. i ended up leaving my home for a short time to run away from these events and the lingering pain that existed there. i went to the doctor to talk about my mental health and they told me to take sertraline. that was it. the truth is that i needed time to process the events, understand my pain and talk to somebody about it in a safe and comfortable environment. as the news went public, this entire time i watched as my ex-wife was being cheered on publicly for coming out as gay and aggressively encouraged into her new gay life, however, not once did any of these people approach me and ask me "how are you coping?, are you okay?, how do you feel about your whole personal life's plans ending because of something completely out of your control?".
i am a complicated person. a childhood victim of multiple sexual assaults over the span of 16 years, domestic child abuse and further traumas. this latest event, rocked my world and brought a lot to the surface. i had spent my entire life working to build a home for our only child that was safe, comfortable and not broken like mine was. i started having very scary panic attacks and my world felt ever so small. i decided to take my first tablet of sertraline and i had a awful allergic reaction to it. over the following 48 hours i experienced extreme suicidal ideation and did everything left in my will to not hang myself until this tablet was out of my system. it was one of the hardest and most difficult experiences of my adult life.
the weeks following this event i was suddenly surrounded by therapists working with me to ground me and support me. my doctor told me to never take sertraline again. i reached out and requested the support that i needed from my friends. i talked and talked and talked about what i was going through and over the following months i got better and stronger. and then i started writing again. the first music i wrote after these traumatising events was the soundtrack for the film, the lights of dawn. the songs 'bridge' and 'limbo' came from a very personal and powerful place. a place of hope and legacy. a place in my heart that was hopeful. a place of wisdom, survival and rebellion against the situation i had been in several months previous. i sat in one of our studios with a longtime producer who was excellent at processing this moment and allowing it to happen, and allowed all of this emotion to flow into the session for this music. it flowed right through me. i don't think any single session had ever had such profound and powerful emotion flowing into on anything i had ever recorded before. i was grateful. grateful to be alive. grateful to have survived. grateful to be able to make this music for the wonderful film by sadie duarte. i was grateful for the love of my life, my son. i was grateful to be able to see things clearer. grateful for feeling again. if you take a moment to listen to this music, it was designed for very powerful moments in the film. moments of great mystery. legacy. and i felt my own connection with this and it was perfect. my most personally perfect work involved not one single word spoken or sung by me. it flowed through the music i created and the vocal intonation of our wonderful musical team. it was powerful. beyond the realms of the film, i want this music to be soundtrack for many peoples survival. many peoples moments of mystery. many peoples hope. our hope. we need hope.
I am doing okay now. i have faced challenges to my mental health and wellbeing recently and i have been firm and clear about what i want to experience. respect. love. positive mental health. i will not let anybody else take that from me anymore. and this music stands for that. one persons liberation was another persons heartbreak. but through this music, i was able to liberate myself, from heartbreak. i hope it liberates you.....
be good to yourself. be thoughtful. be kind. support other people's positive mental health. support your own. peace and love. daniel xox
